Day 48 - Denial

Sorry I haven't been writing, but I've been in denial for the last few days. The fact is, I've been pushing myself to find the joy around me, while ignoring the fact that I am basically feeling pretty blue.


As I've gone about my day, laughing and smiling, in the background of my mind is a lurking cloud of resentment, disappointment, and sadness. I don't know what to do about this cloud, so I've been trying to ignore it. In order to do that properly, I've had to fill my days and my mind with other things so I don't have to confront it. I haven't allowed myself much time for contemplation, because to do so might allow the cloud to swallow me up.


So I've been reading Gretchen Rubin's blog and doing other joyful things, while not really feeling joyful in my heart. "Fake it till you make it" is something we used to always say in dance team when we were struggling (although I know we did not invent this term). So I've been trying to "fake it till I make it" with my happiness. Which doesn't really work. Which only makes the cloud darken and grow. Which makes me feel even more unhappy than before, despite my appearance of happiness.


Let's see, in the past few days I've had a book club meeting, a night out with the girls, and dinner with my brother and his family. I spent time in creative solitude crafting and sewing. My daughter and I had a girls day with a tea party and shopping. My house is in order, my kids mostly listen, and I have managed to keep up with all the demands on my time. Nothing has worked. I can still feel the cloud hanging around in the background.

What to do, what to do...