Joy Update

So I haven't talked about much about joy lately, and that's because I seem to have lost it.  Last March, my husband and I were pregnant.  When we went in for the first ultrasound, we learned that the baby didn't form correctly and I had to have a D&C on March 30.  I know that there are many women who suffer the agony of a miscarriage and I have to say that we didn't really handle this very well.  We tried to look at the positive - that we have two healthy beautiful children that are blessings in our lives - but it was still hard to accept that we would never hold our newest little one.

As I was trying to get over the miscarriage, one of my best friends from high school, Captain Nathan J. Nylander, was killed in Afghanistan on April 27.

He was part of a NATO task force working with the Afghan Air Force.  A lone gunman went crazy one day and started shooting at the Americans in the Afghan compound at Kabul International Airport.  Nathan was one of the first responders who rescued several American and Afghan troops before exchanging deadly gunfire with the gunman.  He did not survive.  Here's the thing.  I have made friends since high school, but none know me better than those from high school.  They are such an important part of who I am.  They have a hold on my heart that is irreplaceable.  While I was not in constant contact with all of them, knowing that they were happy and living good lives was a comfort to me.  I regret that I didn't try harder to stay in touch with Nathan.  I regret that he never knew how important he was to me.  I regret and miss more than I can express at this point.

It has taken me a while to write about these events because they still hurt so much.  To lose two things that are so precious so closely together has really shaken me to my core.  I have learned to tell my loved ones that I love them as often as possible.  I have learned to keep those that I love close to me.  I have learned that life is short.  Everyone says it, but I feel it with an urgency that is making my life unbearable.  I now have little patience for things that waste my time.  I resent it when I have to do things that don't bring me any joy.  I used to be a little productive robot.  Always taking care of the to-do list.  Now I want to fling that list out the window and just take care of my family and myself.  I'm afraid that I've become a bit self-absorbed.

My heart is broken and I don't know what to do about it.  I took a picture that expresses how I feel:

This poor little tree is fighting hard to stay alive.  Right now in Texas we are having the worst drought in 100 years (or something like that) and our trees are suffering.  They are throwing off their leaves in an attempt to save themselves.  Many succumb to the lack of water and die.  These leaves aren't brown because it's autumn.  They are brown because the tree does not have enough water to sustain them.  Right now I feel like a half-alive tree.  I'm not suicidal and struggling to stay alive, but I am struggling to find joy in my life.  I am not depressed.  I am tired and hurt and impatient and angry and sad and overwhelmed and so many other things that I cannot name.  I am fighting to find my balance and I am fighting to regain my happiness.  I want to throw off the parts of my life that do not satisfy me.  I just don't have enough in me to sustain all the things that are required of me, and it's time for some of them to go.  Otherwise, they are going to drag me down further.

I am hoping that by writing down and giving a voice to my grief, I will be able to wade through it and find my way back to that place of happiness that I was in before all this began.  I am hoping that I can figure out how to make my life what I want it to be without letting down those that matter most to me.  I am hoping that when it is my turn to go that I can look back and be satisfied with how I lived my life.  I am hoping that one day I will be able to see a baby, pregnant woman, or soldier and not want to cry.

Thank you for listening.