Joy Update

So I haven't talked about much about joy lately, and that's because I seem to have lost it.  Last March, my husband and I were pregnant.  When we went in for the first ultrasound, we learned that the baby didn't form correctly and I had to have a D&C on March 30.  I know that there are many women who suffer the agony of a miscarriage and I have to say that we didn't really handle this very well.  We tried to look at the positive - that we have two healthy beautiful children that are blessings in our lives - but it was still hard to accept that we would never hold our newest little one.

As I was trying to get over the miscarriage, one of my best friends from high school, Captain Nathan J. Nylander, was killed in Afghanistan on April 27.

He was part of a NATO task force working with the Afghan Air Force.  A lone gunman went crazy one day and started shooting at the Americans in the Afghan compound at Kabul International Airport.  Nathan was one of the first responders who rescued several American and Afghan troops before exchanging deadly gunfire with the gunman.  He did not survive.  Here's the thing.  I have made friends since high school, but none know me better than those from high school.  They are such an important part of who I am.  They have a hold on my heart that is irreplaceable.  While I was not in constant contact with all of them, knowing that they were happy and living good lives was a comfort to me.  I regret that I didn't try harder to stay in touch with Nathan.  I regret that he never knew how important he was to me.  I regret and miss more than I can express at this point.

It has taken me a while to write about these events because they still hurt so much.  To lose two things that are so precious so closely together has really shaken me to my core.  I have learned to tell my loved ones that I love them as often as possible.  I have learned to keep those that I love close to me.  I have learned that life is short.  Everyone says it, but I feel it with an urgency that is making my life unbearable.  I now have little patience for things that waste my time.  I resent it when I have to do things that don't bring me any joy.  I used to be a little productive robot.  Always taking care of the to-do list.  Now I want to fling that list out the window and just take care of my family and myself.  I'm afraid that I've become a bit self-absorbed.

My heart is broken and I don't know what to do about it.  I took a picture that expresses how I feel:

This poor little tree is fighting hard to stay alive.  Right now in Texas we are having the worst drought in 100 years (or something like that) and our trees are suffering.  They are throwing off their leaves in an attempt to save themselves.  Many succumb to the lack of water and die.  These leaves aren't brown because it's autumn.  They are brown because the tree does not have enough water to sustain them.  Right now I feel like a half-alive tree.  I'm not suicidal and struggling to stay alive, but I am struggling to find joy in my life.  I am not depressed.  I am tired and hurt and impatient and angry and sad and overwhelmed and so many other things that I cannot name.  I am fighting to find my balance and I am fighting to regain my happiness.  I want to throw off the parts of my life that do not satisfy me.  I just don't have enough in me to sustain all the things that are required of me, and it's time for some of them to go.  Otherwise, they are going to drag me down further.

I am hoping that by writing down and giving a voice to my grief, I will be able to wade through it and find my way back to that place of happiness that I was in before all this began.  I am hoping that I can figure out how to make my life what I want it to be without letting down those that matter most to me.  I am hoping that when it is my turn to go that I can look back and be satisfied with how I lived my life.  I am hoping that one day I will be able to see a baby, pregnant woman, or soldier and not want to cry.

Thank you for listening.

Reading Updates

Well, I've fallen behind in my book challenges. The beginning of the school year has been so busy that I've barely had time to think. Not only that, but there are so many books I need to read for my job that I've neglected my fun books. It's not too bad though, the ones I read for my job are pretty good and I've been enjoying them.

I've been keeping up with War & Peace. I'm now at 78%. I'm committed to getting it done by December 31. After all, if I've gotten this far, it would be silly to not finish it. The war sections drag for me. I want to know what is happening to the characters!

I'm at 79% for Madame Bovary. This book is really dragging for me. I don't like Emma Bovary and I feel sorry for her idiotic husband. It's hard to read a book when you don't like the characters.

I still have one book to read for my Southern Lit. Challenge. It's currently sitting on my nightstand. I think I'm two books behind in the Italy Challenge. I didn't read one for August or September. If I find something interesting I'll be able to catch up. I'm a bit behind in the Harry Potter Challenge. I'm still on the second book and I should be on third.

That's all my updates for now.

I Have Been Sorted...

and I belong to the house of

Which Hogwarts house will you be sorted into?

I was almost in Ravenclaw, but good old Hufflepuff won out. I think it suits me.

Harry Potter Read-a-Long

I found a new challenge to join!  (I know, I'm addicted)  Pretty Deadly Reviews is having a Harry Potter Read-a-Long.  Sounds like a lot of fun, plus I was wanting to re-read the series after the seeing the final movie anyway.  It starts today, but I'll have to begin reading tomorrow.  My kids lost my first book and I have to get one from the library.

Reading Challenge Update

So here is where I stand so far:
Italy in Books Challenge:
1. The Food of Love by Anthony Capella
2. Summer in Tuscany by Elizabeth Adler
3. Juliet by Anne Fortier
4. Finding Positano by William James
5. Tuscany for Beginners by Imogene Edwards-Jones
6. The Neapolitan Steak by Timothy Holme
7. Tuscan Holiday by Holly Chamberlin
Only 5 more to go!

Southern Literature Challenge
1. Sweet Tea at Sunrise by Sherryl Woods
2. Sunrise by Jacquelyn Cook
3. The Help by Kathryn Stockett
Only 1 more to go!

Gilmore Girls Challenge
1. Northanger Abbey by Jane Austen
2. A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens
3. Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte
4. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
Not doing so great with this one.  May have to give it up and try again when it is the only one to focus on.  The hardest part about this challenge is that you have to read the specific books, you can't just read whatever books you want.

Classics
See Gilmore Girls Challenge.  I'm really struggling with my original resolution.  These books take me so much longer to get through.  Currently I'm reading War and Peace and Madame Bovary.  There isn't a number amount that I have to accomplish here, I just want to read as many as I can.

War and Peace Read-a-Long
I am currently in Book 11.  Hard to know the page number since I'm reading it on my kindle, but I am over 63 percent done so I should finish just in time.

Tuscan Holiday by Holly Chamberlin

Florence is merely the setting for this story about love, life, and relationships.  Elizabeth Caldwell books a trip to Florence for herself and her daughter Marina.  She hopes that it will be an opportunity for them to bond.  Marina has just graduated from college and is more interested in hanging out with her fiancee and friends.  As Marina and Elizabeth explore the Italian city they confront a few hard truths about themselves and how they've lived their lives.
Marina annoys me throughout the book.  She is pompous and  overbearing at the beginning of the story.  When she meets and falls in love with Luca, a handsome Italian, she becomes a wet dishrag.  Seeing her fall off her own pedestal was a bit gratifying.  Seeing her appreciate and try to understand her mother was hugely gratifying.

Elizabeth annoys me with her submissive personality.  In order to keep from alienating her daughter, she tends to just accept her abuse.  At least, until she finally explodes in an Italian restaurant.  Which is a great scene, by the way.  Unfortunately, after that she falls back into the pattern of doing whatever Marina wants.  It's interesting to me that she acts this way considering that she had to be a pretty strong woman to successfully raise a daughter after her boyfriend abandoned her. 

However, the constant reflections of both women lead to some pretty satisfying conclusions.  Marina learns that she isn't perfect and Elizabeth learns to accept love and move on.

While most of the story takes place during their two weeks in Florence, the city itself is a mere prop to the inner musings of the two women.  The reader gets to experience the food and scenery of Italy, but it is relegated to the background.

I would give this book 3 out of 5 stars.  It was okay.

The Neapolitan Streak by Timothy Holme

I thoroughly enjoyed this book!  It was like reading an Agatha Christie novel.  Intricate plot twists and engaging characters made this book entertaining and fun to read.
Achille Peroni is an inspector in the Italian police force.  He is a southern Italian who has been stationed in Northern Italy, specifically Verona.  When a prominent member of Verona society disappears, it seems that the politically motivated Red Brigade are to blame.  As Peroni digs deeper, he begins to realize that there is much more to the crime and that it could be because of an ancient feud that leads back to the most famous of star-crossed couples, Romeo and Juliet.

At first I was a bit leery of the tie to Romeo and Juliet, but Holme managed to incorporate the legend without being cheesy.  While the mystery keeps the book moving forward, it is the characters that make the book entertaining.  Peroni is like a suave Hercule Poirot.  He is intelligent, intuitive, and a bit of a ladies man.  I really enjoyed his interactions with his sister's family.  There is a lot of wry and witty humor, which just makes reading the story that much better.

The story is set in Italy in 1980 and it did take me a while to understand and sort through the background information.  Holme just sort of drops you in the middle of Italy with just a brief guidebook.  Once I had the basics down, I found that I liked his technique.  I liked reading about Italy from an insider's point of view, instead of from that of a tourist or expatriate.  Instead of Italy being treated like a travel destination, it was a home.  It was an honest portrayal of both the good and the bad of Italy.

I would give this book 4 out of 5 stars.